He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
