This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
