your thong is hanging out like whoa
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
