My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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