So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
