...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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