If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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