I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
