Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
