Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
