420 ftw
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
