id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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