***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Someone shit on the floor
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
