my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Houston, we have a blender
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
