did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
