i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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