apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
there's paper in my vomit.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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