I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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