Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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