i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
