I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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