I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Can you bring me the toilet please
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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