If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
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