Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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