what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
