this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
