Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
