Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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