Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
