Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
