I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
