just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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