We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Randomize
