I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
