when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
