she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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