i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
