Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
