Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
