I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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