So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
