had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
