Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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