my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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