i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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