tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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