i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
