I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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