So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
