I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Randomize
