My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
