I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
