I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
