so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
