there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
